Day 388 - Letter to Those Who Have Recently Learned that Someone They Respect Has Been Accused of Terrible Things

Dear newly aware,

At some point in our lives, we will all have to deal with the unfortunate and uncomfortable situation of learning that someone we love and admire or respect has been accused of doing terrible things. For many of us, this moment occurred when someone we admired fell from grace, whether it was Bill Cosby or Louis CK or Al Franken. For others, we’ve had to deal with learning that a parent or loved one has done terrible things. For all of us, it would be timely to learn what to do and what not to do.

As has been his M.O. throughout the last year (and throughout his entire life), President Trump has shown us exactly what NOT to do or say. When discussing disgraced top aide Rob Porter, who is credibly accused of having physically and emotionally abused his two ex-wives and a former girlfriend, President Trump made the following statement:

Image from Vox

“We wish him well; he worked very hard. We found out about it recently, and I was surprised by it, but we certainly wish him well, and it's a tough time for him. He did a very good job when he was in the White House, and we hope he has a wonderful career, and he will have a great career ahead of him. But it was very sad when we heard about it, and certainly he's also very sad now. He also, as you probably know, says he's innocent, and I think you have to remember that. He said very strongly yesterday that he's innocent, so you have to talk to him about that, but we absolutely wish him well. He did a very good job when he was at the White House.”

The President then tweeted:

Peoples lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new. There is no recovery for someone falsely accused – life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process? — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 10, 2018

So, as a Public Service Announcement of what NOT to say, we offer the following tutorial...

Instead of saying this: “We wish him well; he worked very hard. We found out about it recently, and I was surprised by it, but we certainly wish him well, and it’s a tough time for him.”

SAY THIS: “For everybody asking, I know and like [him]. I won’t defend him. This is inexcusable and he needs to address it.”

Instead of saying this: “He did a very good job when he was in the White House, and we hope he has a wonderful career, and he will have a great career ahead of him. But it was very sad when we heard about it, and certainly he’s also very sad now.”

SAY THIS: “He wielded his power with women in messed-up ways; I could couch this with heartwarming stories of our friendship and what a great [person] he is, but that’s totally irrelevant, isn’t it? Yes, it is.”

Instead of saying this: “But it was very sad when we heard about it, and certainly he’s also very sad now.”

SAY THIS:  “The only people that matter right now are the victims. They are victims, and they’re victims because of something he did.”

Instead of saying this: “He also, as you probably know, says he’s innocent, and I think you have to remember that. He said very strongly yesterday that he’s innocent, so you have to talk to him about that.”

SAY THIS: “I believe the allegations…are true, and I stand behind the women that made them.”

Instead of saying this: “We absolutely wish him well. He did a very good job when he was at the White House.”

SAY THIS: “It’s vital that people are held accountable for their actions, no matter who they are. We need to be better. We will better. I can’t [expletive] wait to be better.”

And finally, instead of saying this: “People’s lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new. There is no recovery for someone falsely accused – life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process?”

SAY THIS: “Misogyny is a cancer. Harassment and abuse are that cancer metastasizing and going untreated. Stories like this being reported and printed are the first steps toward a cure.”

TL;DR: If your loved ones or those you respect and admire have been accused of misconduct, do not, under any circumstance, say anything that would ever come out of the president’s mouth. He is the prime example of what never to do or say.

In summary: We have to be better. We need to be better. WE MUST BE BETTER. We can’t [expletive] wait any longer to be better.

Sincerely,

Letters2Trump

P.S. Special thanks to Sarah Silverman, Michael Ian Black, Adam Horovitz, and Michael Schur for their words and example.

(Originally posted at Letters2Trump.)

We Need our Heroes to be Leaders

The rollercoaster of doublethink that MSU students, fans, and alumni are on is extreme, a millenium force of anger and rage and disgust and relief...and we have lost our equilibrium. We are filled with disgust as the details of Larry Nassar’s perversions and assaults fill our newsfeed and airwaves. We celebrate and excuse the loss of control of one of our own fathers, as we sit in full agreement with his actions, although we acknowledge that he was in contempt of court. We withhold judgment, knowing that he represents the horror we can’t even imagine, forgiving him the momentary indiscretion, and raising $32,000.00 in gofundme donations to pay for his non-existent legal fees. These girls are our girls, and we are right there with you, dad. When the judge said, “There is no way that this court is going to issue any type of punishment given the circumstances of this case," we raised our fists in solidarity.

We demanded and celebrated the resignations of Lou Anna Simon and Mark Hollis, and we now recoil in horror at the new appointees and their lack of any experience or ability to help MSU not just rise from the ashes but actually do better and be better. We demand that the trustees, especially tone-deaf Joel Ferguson, step down. We shake our heads as leader after leader just doesn’t get it. We put our MSU gear on the hanger in the back of the closet, hoping that someday we can bring it out again and wear it with pride. We miss our MSU nation; we grieve the glorious illusion that it was truly great.

Our University has let us down. Our leadership did not lead. Our coaches looked the other way. Our doctors supported their own, instead of listening to the young women, who told the truth over and over and over again. Larry Nassar could have been stopped 20 years ago, but the people we trusted to keep our athletes safe instead put our young people in danger. Our adults gave Larry Nassar the benefit of the doubt over and over again. He got his due process so many times, that it was no longer a fact-finding process; it was simply a stamp of approval and support so that he could continue his perversion and continue to assault and abuse those who he vowed to help.

But when our revered coaches are put in the spotlight? We recoil. We demand due process. We doubt the allegations. We point out that the accused deny any wrongdoing. We point out the amazing feats that our coaches have accomplished, the pride and acclaim they have brought, the good, the absolute good that they have done for so many of our young people for so many years. After all, our coaches didn’t abuse anyone. They are not Larry Nassar. The names Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio should never be uttered in the same breath as that monster Larry Nassar.

We don’t even see the cognitive dissonance. We can’t stomach the idea that these men deserve the same scrutiny as those who allowed Larry Nassar to exist and persist.

Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio have earned their positions because they are heroes. They take boys from across the country, and they train them to be highly skilled, intuitive, authentic, conscientious sports stars. They are both parent and idol, disciplinarian and cheerleader, the benevolent warriors that are iconic of our MSU nation.

But if we demand that our leaders lead or step down, we must also demand that our heroes do the same. I have no doubt that Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio are quality men, perhaps even great men. But quality leaders stand up for what is right. They speak out when there is wrongdoing, and then admit when they have done wrong. If MSU is to heal and move forward, Izzo and Dantonio are in the unique position to show us how. They cannot hide. There are thousands, even millions of eyes watching them. We want them to succeed; we want them to be the heroes we believe they are. We want them to be the heroes that we need. But we cannot excuse the fact that there may have been bad things happening on their watch. We cannot pretend that young men on basketball teams and football teams deserve more credibility and support than their alleged victims. We cannot recoil in horror at the fate that befell so many of our young female gymnasts and then shake our finger at ESPN for pointing out that MSU has a sexual assault problem and a credibility problem.

We need our heroes. But more than that, we need our heroes to be credible. We can have empathy for the frustration, distraction, self-doubt, and sadness that our heroes are currently facing. But we also must demand that they step up and face the media...and us. The media is simply doing their job. MSU leaders simply and repeatedly did not do their jobs. Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio, what will you do? We need you to be our heroes. We need you to be transparent and honest. We need you to admit to any mistakes or missteps, and we need you to help us navigate this disaster and begin to heal. You may not have signed up for this particular part of your job, but it is the role that you now have been given.

We have to hold our heroes to the same fire that we hold those who we despise. We can only hope that this fire will forge stronger heroes, ones who will authentically and honestly help MSU become the university it should have been and might someday actually be.