Fearless

Today, you were student of the month. Again. For the last time. Even though it was a little bit silly -- Ms. Fletcher nominated all the advanced art seniors, no matter what kind of people they've turned out to be -- but, she saved her praise of you for last. 

She said you were a badass. 

She said you were fearless. 

She said that -- no matter the challenge -- you take it on and you rise to it. 

I know that you don't see that in yourself. All the time, you compare you to me, you say that you can't power through, that you can't work so hard all of the time, that you can't be as strong as I am. But I don't know that I'm strong, kiddo. I'm just really, really stubborn. And I have a chip on my shoulder the size of a railroad tie. That doesn't mean that I'm fearless. That just means that...in many cases...I take on battles that I'm never going to win. Maybe it's fearlessness, but maybe it's also tilting at windmills. 

But you, my daughter. You are fearless. And you are a badass.

That doesn't mean that you aren't afraid, because I see you and you are often terrified. 

That doesn't mean that you don't feel pain, because I see you and you are in pain all of the time. 

But I also see you -- again and again and again -- you fall down, you get shit on, you pick yourself back up, you doubt yourself, you question everything -- and then you square your shoulders and you get back in the fight. 

You don't see the strength that I see. 

You don't see the talent that I see. 

You don't see the power that I see. 

You don't see the forever friend that I see.

 You, my daughter, are a ball of anxiety. 

But I see you. I see you as you take a minute and then pull it together, take a deep breath, and get back out there.

It doesn't matter what the future holds because you are a powerhouse. You have a fountain of strength within you. A geyser. You will tackle whatever comes your way in your own way.

You are my soul.

My daughter. 

And I am so incredibly proud of you.

Under Pressure

 I haven't written in ages. 9 months, to be exact. Maybe 10. Math is hard.

I haven't had the time -- made the time -- to write. And frankly, I haven't had the mental capacity to write. 

There are so many things to write about. Helena's senior year and all of the joy and heartbreak and frustration that brings.

Sam's freshman year. And all of the joy and heartbreak and frustration that brings.

My job. And all of the joy and heartbreak and frustration that brings.

I still love my job, although I can't pay the bills. I'm still so incredibly relieved and fulfilled that I braved the jump to Okemos, but I'm still so incredibly broke because of that decision.

I still freelance when I can find the time. I still judge for Scholastic and the New York Times almost monthly. And now, I work concessions on the weekends at KWings stadium so that I have enough cash for Helena to skate her final year in derby. I don't remember the last day I didn't work.

I haven't written in ages because there just. isn't. time.

But today I had a wake-up call. And I feel like I have to write this down. Publicly. Transparently.

Today, I found someone to cover my 5th hour class so I could donate blood at the blood drive before the fire drill that was scheduled 6th hour. I speed-walked down to the rubber gym (IDK, it's a thing at Okemos. Just go with it...) and I signed in and a student told me: "It's your gallon day! That's amazing!" and I was ready to go -- just stick that needle in me, I'm a fast bleeder, we can get this done before the fire drill -- and -- my blood pressure was too high.

Literally, my blood pressure was above the Red Cross' limit.

I couldn't donate blood. My blood pressure was too high.

I've known, for a year now, that my blood pressure was an issue. I've tried to sleep more, drink less alcohol, drink more water, move more, breathe more. But my blood pressure hasn't budged. 

There are so many reasons why. Menopause, COVID, the job change, the job itself, my weight, alcohol, the kids, the bills. So many reasons why my blood pressure is out of control.

And I know what lifestyle changes need to occur for me to get it under control.

But I haven't managed to make those changes happen. An extra 30 minutes of sleep a night and an extra bottle of water a day and an extra daily walk doesn't fix the problem.

My entire lifestyle is the problem, and that isn't going to change any time soon.

So, I made a doctor's appointment next week. I'm apprehensive. My longtime doctor left the practice and I'm stuck with someone new that I've never met. She will tell me I'm fat and that I drink too much and that I don't sleep enough and I know all of these things already, but I hope that she will prescribe me medication so that I can get this blood pressure under control. Because clearly I can't do it out of sheer will.

But I'd really like to live for a very long time.

Because I'd really like to be able to donate blood and hit that gallon mark.

Because I really want to be here to see my kids into their futures and cheer them on.

 And frankly, I'm way too busy to have a heart attack and die.