The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 12

The "Grocery Shopping for Dummies" Episode

Look, I get it. It's a dangerous world out there, and we all need to do our very best to keep ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities safe. And I get that we all need to go to the store to get things from time to time. I've ended up at Meijer, Quality Dairy, and Aldi all within the last 7 days.  (By the way, if you need bagels, I accidentally hoarded them. I didn't mean too...I forgot that I'd bought them. Twice. I have a lot of bagels.) But what I don't get is why common sense and general awareness of others and a sense of one's own physical dimensions in the universe seemingly flies out the door in the presence of a grocery cart. 

So, in order to keep us all sane, here are a few basic grocery shopping guidelines.

1. There is a 6 foot rule: try to keep 6 feet between you and everyone else, for safety. Many grocery aisles are not much wider than 6 feet. So, this means that everyone needs to KEEP MOVING. Now is not the time to inspect the ingredients of each box, get out your calculator to figure per-ounce pricing, compare the packaging photos, and google for recipes whilst standing in aisle 7. If you stop moving to read the calorie information of the Stove Top Stuffing, the entire store HAS TO STOP. We can't pass you. We can't back up. We're trapped there, next to the breadcrumbs, unable to move forward until you make up your mind.

2. When in the produce section, I get that you have to squeeze the avocados. Too hard will eventually be okay; too soft is a disaster. But you know what you don't have to squeeze? Every apple. Every single goddamn Pink Lady apple. You do not have to pick each one up, inspect it, and then put it back. You're in a medical mask, Karen, because you don't want to get sick. And yet you have touched 356 apples while we've all just stood here, patiently waiting. Please buy some apples. In fact, buy all of them, because YOU TOUCHED ALL OF THEM. But please, PLEASE just make up your mind and MOVE.

3. If you are shopping with your significant other, although it is great that you can do this together, please be aware of the fact that you are two distinctly separate bodies. And if you decide to shop both sides and all directions simultaneously in the frozen food aisle, you keep all the rest of us bobbing and weaving and desperately trying to distance ourselves without ping-ponging off of the others in the aisle while you plan your dinners together. Maybe just move together as one unified unit, so as to save the rest of us the stress of having to swerve to avoid you, like a couple of insane squirrels.

4. Quit buying ALL the toilet paper. You've got two loaves of bread, a gallon of milk, a pound of hamburger, 4 cans of soup, and 36 rolls of toilet paper in your cart. Unless you are planning to eat it for lunch, you will not use 36 rolls this week. You are going to run out of Franzia long before you run out of toilet paper, and you will be back in the store in a week. Leave a roll or 12 for someone else.

5. And finally, when in the liquor aisle? Who are you kidding? Just buy all of it. Just swoop, grab, and drop it all in the cart as you walk slowly by. You don't even have to come to a complete stop. Don't worry about brands and genres. Just buy a variety. Otherwise, you'll have to hit QD and the liquor store on Monday.