26 years

 The year I turned 25, I panicked. I had always thought that I would have my shit together at 25. That I'd have a career and a plan and I'd finally know what I was doing. Instead, I was waiting tables, bouncing between teaching jobs and sub jobs, trying to stay out of trouble but inadvertently blacklisting myself for "encouraging students to write letters to the school board." (Oops.)

It's been 2+ decades since my 25th birthday. The existential identity crisis hasn't passed yet. Today I started my 26th year of teaching. Do I know what I'm doing? Do I finally have my shit together? Will I manage to stay out of trouble this time? Do I have a plan? (Is is a good plan?)

The thing about teaching is that you will never, truly, be successful at your job. Kids will always fail, no matter how hard you try to reach them. Kids will always disengage, no matter how clever or creative or inspirational you try to be. There will always be a vocal parent or three who seem to drown out all of the support and make you feel like you are not only a terrible human being, but an awful teacher, systematically destroying kids' lives. 100 parents will be silent, 27 will be vocally supportive, and 3 will tear you down, and it will be those 3 who keep you up at night, questioning every professional decision you've ever made. 

The first day of school of year 26, I caught a train. By "caught," I mean, the train was stopped on the tracks, blocking the road, and I was 20some cars and 2 school buses on the wrong side of the tracks. After I made an 8 point turn and backtracked several miles to get around the train, finally headed in the right direction, a family of deer decided to be indecisive in crossing the road...should they go? should they stay? should some of them go and some of them stay? Several minutes and two more stoplights later, I finally was within a mile of school, in the mile-long traffic jam, backed up all the way up to the student parking lot. I skated into my classroom exactly 60 seconds before the final bell. And the year began. 

I'm not sure I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish today. Was I warm enough? Friendly? Approachable? Funny? Did I leave a good impression? (Was I a hot mess?) Did I inspire anyone? With anything? Will they be eager to return tomorrow?

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26 years, and I still worry late at night (and all day long). Am I enough? Do I have what it takes? Will I be able to save this kid? Inspire that one? Challenge her? Comfort him? Support them? Truly connect?

Will I do enough?

26 years of teaching. Day 1 is in the books. Tomorrow is day 2.

I hope I have what it takes to truly make a difference.

20 Books You Have to Read, According to Your Favorite English Teacher

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A former student contacted me, asking for a reading list of 10-15 classics she had to read. Because I can't follow directions, I came up with 20. Without further introduction, here are the 20 books you have to read, because I am your favorite English teacher. 

Dead (and mostly White) Guy Classics

1. Macbeth by Shakespeare. There’s a GREAT article about it here. Plus, the downfall into insanity of Macbeth, as he gets more power, as well as the downfall of Lady Macbeth into suicide as she deals with the repercussions of her actions...the modern parallels are stunning.

2. The Odyssey by Homer. Find an easy to read translation...no need to wade through a hard-to-read version, because the point is the stories, not the language. It’s a great primer on mythology, plus it’s a great adventure story about a narcissistic asshole and his family...definitely insight into modern man!

3. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien. This is an amazing adventure story. It stands alone in its genre and creates a stunning fantasy kingdom with likable characters. Full of humor and warmth and bravery, Bilbo's unwilling and unwitting journey is pure gold. The Lord of the Rings trilogy is long and often heavy, but The Hobbit is brilliant.

4. Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway was a womanizer and an alcoholic...but he had his finger on the pulse of what the American Man is. And his understanding of love, although seemingly skewed in his own life, really captures the insecurities and honesties of it all.

5. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald was a lousy husband and father and a drunk, too, but much like his character Gatsby, he was also passing in society. This, to me, is the great American novel, exploring the juxtaposition between middle class and the rich, between midwest America and the East Coast, between honesty and lies.

6. 1984 by George Orwell. The ultimate dystopian novel, this hits uncomfortably close to home. Plus, Orwell’s manipulation of language is spot on. If you don’t have the words, then can you have the thoughts? They who control the narrative and the language control everything. Just think about our country’s issue with health care. We have Obamacare (boo hiss socialism) and the Affordable Care Act (yes please!) and they are the same fucking thing. The words we use control the conversation. Literally.

7. Of Mice and Men or The Grapes of Wrath or East of Eden by John Steinbeck. No one writes like Steinbeck. His characters are gritty but laced with humanity. They are all flawed and all marginalized, but all redeemable and understandable. Plus, the way Steinbeck weaves hope and Christian iconography throughout (without being Christian or religious himself) is mastery. If there is one dead person I'd want to have coffee with, it would be Steinbeck.

8. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. People love to hate Holden Caulfield. He’s whiny and he complains a LOT. But he is the most authentic teenage voice I have ever read. He is every teenager, even when they (and we) hate him.

9. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. Although this is in translation (Hesse wrote it in German, I believe) and it’s a white guy writing about Buddha in India, it’s accessible and it really helps us see the hero’s journey in another culture...not just another culture but another entire way to live. The search for enlightenment is profound and a great contrast to the search for love or acceptance or hope -- or the American Dream. 

10. In the same vein, pick up a copy of the Tao de Ching. Read one "poem" every night before bed. It is lovely and thought provoking. You can find it (and most of the books in this list) online as a PDF, but I’d recommend a pocket edition of the Tao, so that you can just read a “poem” a day.

11. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I love love love this book. It’s long, but it’s really funny, and the main character, Pip, is so true and believable, both as a naive kid, then as a teenager, and finally as an adult. Dickens loves puns...even when little kid Pip talks about being “brought up by hand” and what he really means is that his Aunt slaps him a lot...Pip is innocent, until he’s not...and he’s one of my all-time favorite characters.

12. Different Seasons by Stephen King. King is an amazing writer, and this collection of 4 short stories is brilliant. Each one stands alone and covers a different aspect of humanity, from horror to innocence, and in-between. It’s brilliant. I hate horror and I love this book.

Dead White Lady Classics

13. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Ugh, this book. It is beautiful and it has been so misunderstood throughout the decades. Atticus Finch is not really a hero. He’s a distant father, a closet racist, and he's unethical. But he also speaks truth to his kids -- and their purity, watching this story unfold, is what makes this book live. Although the “white savior” trope and the “hulking but broken Black man with no agency” tropes are problematic, if you read the book understanding what Lee was trying to do, you see both the mastery and the flaws -- and the mirror.

14. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. You don’t have to read the book (although it’s lovely) but if you decide to watch this instead of read it, you HAVE to watch the Colin Firth version. He IS Mr. Darcy. The newer version of the movie is crap and completely misunderstands what Austen is doing: passing judgement on society and on ALL of the characters, and yet redeeming those who are willing to be honest in the end. But I’d recommend the read, if you’ve got the time. Austen pointedly makes fun of people. I feel her. :)

BIPOC Classics or Soon-to-be Classics

15. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. My favorite book in the whole wide world. It is so beautiful and thoughtful and the characters are so real. There is love and humor and hope and resilience and if there is just one book on this list that you read, make it this one. Although it takes a bit to learn to read the dialect, if you listen to this audio for the first chapter while you read, it will all click into place.

16. The Color Purple by Alice Walker. Written as an epistolary (written in letters), it’s raw and stunning and impossible to put down. The movie is good, but the book is light years better. It’s usually my students’ favorite book of the year.

17. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. When I read this book, it took me forever, because I stopped at every sentence and reread it because it was written so beautifully. I love this book not only for the story but also for the incredible craftsmanship of the writing. It’s pure poetry.

18. The Hate You Give by Angie Thomas. Although this isn’t a classic...yet...it will be. This book broke the ceiling for Black YA writers and it was one of the first POC books to be adopted into mainstream ELA classrooms. The main character, Starr, is all of us, and yet she is fighting her own battles about race, about her community, about her friends and family, and with herself.

19. There, There by Tommy Orange. This is a stunning "urban Indian" book. We are used to reading books by Native American authors set “on the reservation,” but this one places its characters in the city, where so many Indigenous people live, and it tells the stories of teens coming of age and their parents and grandparents, and what it is like to be Indigenous in our country today. It’s a story whose main characters just happen to be Indigenous, but that also affects every aspect of their lives.

20. Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Beautifully crafted book about what it means to be Black in America...when you are not an American (the protagonist is a Nigerian immigrant). Adichie gave the famous TED talk “The Danger of a Single Story” and this book captures those idea threads about identity. It’s a masterpiece and Adichie’s narrative voice is powerful and authentic.

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