The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 13

The Ultimate Guide for Choosing a Hallmark Movie

Now, hear me out. I know that you are already yelling, ''But they are all so WHOLESOME!" and I agree and raise with the problematic issue that they are also so very WHITE, CIS, and STRAIGHT. Yes, I get it. These are problems, and if we ever get to leave the house again, I propose we pool our fat government checks and start our own movie channel that represents all of us, not just the white, cis, straight, 32-year old demographic. But we have to set that dream aside, for now, and play the hand we've been dealt.

Unlike a book, you can most definitely judge a Hallmark movie by its cover. 

These are the criteria to avoid, because the movie will be trite, awful, and must be paired with 80 proof vodka in order to be watchable. 

1. The word "Home" or "Homecoming" in the title

This is always a sign of a plot that will not end well for our leading lady. If the word "Home" is in the title, our lady has a thriving career or a fantastic job offer on the line in a large city surrounded by vibrant colleagues. However, she must return home for the holidays, save the family business, fall in love with the maintenance man, and decide to give up her damn career in order to move again to podunk America and live happily ever after, throwing away every chance she'll ever have of wearing nice shoes again. The word "Home" must be avoided.

2. The word "Wedding" is in the title
No. Don't watch it. Please. It's either an attempt to recreate chemistry and write a sequel to a previous Hallmark movie (there's not enough plot there, I promise, no matter how great the first movie was), or it's a plot full of senseless drama around a wedding that the bride and groom shouldn't be planning because they've only been together for 6 months and maybe they should just get a puppy instead.

3. A musician or athlete trying to cross over into acting
There is a very good chance that they cannot act, and it will be very painful to watch them try. The supporting cast, however, will be fantastic, but will ultimately not be able to create chemistry with a wooden board.

4. Dolly Parton
I love Dolly Parton. But her presence in the movie is just gratuitous. And she's not acting. She's just being Dolly. So if you love Dolly and you want to see some Dolly, then go for it. But the movie would be better without trying to write a story in which she fits.

5. A child
This one could go either way. The child always adds cuteness, a dilemma, and a chance for the actors to interact with more than each other. But the child's other parent is dead. The child is sad. The parent is sad. And it is ultimately a story about rescuing someone who is sad. That's not really a love story. That's just sad. If only the parent could just be divorced, the dad living down the street in a duplex: this would be a better story. But, divorce is not a possible plot feature in a Hallmark movie. (Let's add divorce to our post-Coronacation movie channel dream list.)

6. Santa 
Gratuitous Santa is like Gratuitous Dolly Parton. You can have a friendly janitor without him being Santa. In fact, without Santa being there, magically saving the day, the movie would be BETTER. Let the characters save the day! And more often than not, only the poor motherless child (see item #5) can see Santa, which gives us a weird "I see dead people" vibe that just adds to the tragedy.

BUT NEVER FEAR! Because there are some criteria that almost guarantee a great movie ahead, easily enjoyed with a glass of wine and some popcorn.

1. An actress from a 90's sitcom
No matter what character she plays, she will convince you that her character is equally competent and insecure. She is cute, but not so gorgeous to force you to eat shredded cheese straight from the bag out of self-pity. She will be self-effacing, but also intelligent, and she will convince you that that guy's haircut isn't as bad as you first thought. You will root for this leading lady. You believe in her dreams.

2. Meghan Markle
I love her. You will, too. That is all. Just please don't tell the Hallmark Channel that she is not white.

3. Chef Aprons
Chef aprons in the promo photo means that there will be a struggling restaurant or unemployed chef. But that's okay. Because struggling restaurants and unemployed chefs give us great banter about and around food, and a chance for our couple to experience chemistry-chemistry. They can touch hands while reaching for the basil. They can knead the dough, which is way sexier than making clay pots with a dead guy.

4. An actor that looks like Patrick Dempsey but isn't
I don't know what it is about Patrick Dempsey look-alikes, but they are in the best Hallmark movies, and you must watch them.

5. Mariah Carey
Not only will the very strange soft-focus camera lens add an artsy factor, but this girl is actually pretty funny. Why is she in a Hallmark movie? We may never know. (Actually, she produced it.) But she adds a quirkiness to this weird movie, that also stars an actress from a 90's sitcom and an actor that looks like Patrick Dempsey but isn't.

6. A dog
This final criteria, the dog, is the penultimate item to guarantee a great Hallmark movie. It adds the cuteness of a child, without the presence of a dead parent. It adds the chemistry connections of the chef aprons, without the mess of all that flour. And, with a dog, you can go on hikes in the woods, play at the dog park, share custody, and smile. Dogs remind us that we can someday go outside again, and play in the park, and fall in love.