The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 30

Dear Adults Who Act Like Petulant Children:

Look, kids. We have to talk. I know that critical thinking is not your strong suit, and you are just pure id right now, but I really need you to try to focus and listen to me: the Governor has shut down most of the state FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. Clearly, you are too immature to follow the guidelines of safe social distancing, so she had to make the rules very, very clear. But instead of listening, you are throwing a temper tantrum of epic proportions. How DARE she tell you that you can't do whatever you want! How DARE she insist that you not only stay healthy, but that you also don't inadvertently kill everyone around you! HOW DARE SHE take away your ability to purchase hothouse tomatoes at Home Depot and plant them in the snow! Never mind that you can do curbside pickup and mail order (and it's snowing outside); that mean lady said you couldn't buy flowers and seeds at stores larger than 50,000 square feet, and those are the stores you want to go to! You want your Walmart pansies and you want them NOW!

I keep seeing posts from people who insist that flattening the curve is a bad idea, because it will close the economy for longer, and the same number of people will still get sick in the end...some analogy about squishing a marshmallow, blah blah blah. These people insist that herd immunity will work, and we should just open everything back up RIGHT NOW, so that we can all get sick, and then be immune. Except they don't seem to understand that Michigan has a 6% death rate from COVID 19 right now. Read that number again: SIX PERCENT. Flattening the curve gives our hospitals a chance to try to take care of everyone, whether they deserve it or not. If we don't flatten the curve, that already high death rate will spike. But heaven forbid we listen to the mean lady and try to save lives! You want to go boating in the snow! Vroom vroom!

Look, I am all for peaceful public protests. I've Black Lives Matter marched and Women's March marched and Wear Red for Ed marched. But marching for equity and social justice is slightly different than marching 'cause you wanna go golfing. But I get it. You're mad. But maybe put yourself in time-out for a few minutes until you calm down, so that you can be rational and downshift out of your lizard brain.  Because, here's the thing--you are going to try to cause a traffic jam at the Capitol tomorrow, but the only people out on the roads will be you. Well, you and the ambulances trying to get patients to Sparrow Hospital. But you don't care that people might die because YOUR RIGHTS! You are mad and that mean lady is going to hear about it! Just remember: don't drink too many liquids. (Also, just a thought: if you have to protest from the safety of your car because it is dangerous to be within 6 feet of a stranger, maybe it's not the best time to #openMichigan.)

Look, kids: this shutdown sucks for everyone. It sucks for the people working from home. It sucks for the people laid off. It sucks for every parent out there. It sucks for the kids trying to do school at home. It sucks for the teachers trying to somehow get the kids to do school at home. It sucks for the class of 2020 who is getting robbed of the end of their senior year. It sucks for the elderly in nursing homes who can't see their loved ones. It sucks for the gig economy, for the restaurants, for every small business owner. It really sucks to be in health care, or work at a grocery store, or at UPS. It sucks for everyone.

But you know what sucks even more? DYING. And your pansies and your motorboat and the garden that you decided to plant this year even though you've never planted a garden in your damn life and all those painting projects you haven't done since 2012 but decided to do this week: those things are NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE.

So please. Take a deep breath, and settle down. Turn on Netflix. Watch Tiger King. Throw the ball for your dog. Take a nap. Go for a walk. Read a book. Write your grandma a letter. Teach yourself those same three chords on your guitar again. Eat some ramen. Phone a friend.

But please, PLEASE, please: Don't endanger yourself and everyone around you because that mean lady told you not to. Do the right thing and STAY THE FUCK HOME.

Love,
The Reverend Dr. Murchie