Endings. Beginnings.

 Divorce is hard.

It's never an easy decision. You don't just give up and walk away, no matter what the self-righteous married folks will tell you. You will fight, often for years, to stay in there and make it work.

But sometimes it just doesn't work. You can't make it work. You can't break through all walls you've built to protect yourself from the rocks being thrown and you're out of band aids after all the paper cuts. year after year. 

And once it's broken, once you are broken, it all becomes unfixable.

Today I turned in my keys and my letter of resignation to Bath High School.

I have been there for 21 years, almost half of my life. I have taught at least 3000 students in those 21 years. I have been called every name in the book. I have hugged so many kids. I have written 100s of letters of recommendation. I have proofed countless Common App essays. I have fought so many fights with so many people, trying to explain why they should care, why it all matters, why what we say and what we do--why it matters.

Today, I gave away 5 t-shirts, 7 coaching shirts, a sweatshirt, and 3 running shirts. When you break up, you bag up those clothes and you give them away. You think about setting fire to them in your front lawn, but that seems a bit melodramatic. You're an adult. Also, you loved being a Bee. You believed. Beelieved. 

You are so tired.

Tomorrow is the first day of a new year. You'll build a new wardrobe. I think it's burgundy? You'll meet a whole new group of students, ones who don't have preconceived notions about who you are.

Maybe you can beat the reputation this time. Maybe the name-calling won't happen anymore. Maybe the staff will accept you at face value, and not assume that you have some underlying ego thing driving every damn conversation.

Maybe. 

Divorce is hard. There are so many things you wish you could say. So many things you will never say. So many pieces of the past that you will continue to love, while you extricate yourself from the dysfunctional relationship you have been in for far too long, and move forward, into the unknown.

Into your future, whatever that may be.

You can hope.

I have hope.

Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash