The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 33

Dear Michigan: Please Stop Snowing

Michigan, it's time for some hard talk. You have had a couple of big days, making international news because of all of the crazy, and holding steady with a strong 3rd place in the nation for most COVID-19 cases and deaths. Right now, you are hella famous. But we need you to think of the little people, the 9+ million of us who are staying home and doing the right thing. For those of us who are faithfully sheltering-in-place and not waving our guns and our white supremacy and misogyny about on the capitol steps, we need you to do us a solid: PLEASE STOP SNOWING.

It's been days since you have shown us some sunshine and tolerable weather. And we are slowly going insane, trapped, listening to the cackling of youtubers echoing from the boy's room, the hysterical laughter occasionally floating down from the girl's room, and the bad puns bouncing off the kitchen walls. We NEED TO GO OUTSIDE.

It's dark in here. The kitchen light is harsh and artificial. The dog smells. Bad. The cats keep hissing at each other and occasionally at me. The kitchen mouse is depressed because we are out of chocolate muffins. The recycled Hallmark movies aren't entertaining anymore; they are just sad. We are all wilting, like the poor poinsettia on the kitchen counter: ghostly, wrinkled, pale reminders of what we used to be, back when we wore pants.

We need sunshine. We need fresh air. We are losing our minds. We need you to take a deep breath and bring us some spring. Just because we can't buy seeds and plant pansies (just kidding, we know that we can buy seeds and plant flowers; we know how to read); Just because we were foolish and threw the last presidential election doesn't mean that we can't learn from our ways. But if we are going to make it to the next election with any semblance of sanity, we really need it to stop snowing. We need to go outside and take a deep breath. We need to go for a walk. We need some fresh air and some sunshine, before our brains melt into a depressed, hopelessly pale, flabby ooze.