The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 50

Dear Quarantine: You're Getting OLD and It Shows

Happy freakin' birthday, Quarantine. You're 50. Well, technically, you're 51 because I started this series one day in, but what does one day even matter when you're halfway on the slow march towards death?

Quarantine, I mean no offense, but you are cranky and hormonal. You are menopausal. You can't decide from one day to the next if you want to be glowing sunshine or pissing down rain. Some days, from the right angle, you look kinda okay, like you still have potential, like there's some inner beauty shining through. But then, on closer look, you are all wrinkled and grizzled, and that shining is just your hormonal combination skin, making your forehead all greasy.

Quarantine, between you and me, you have no sense of style. You try to pretend you're all classy and Chico's with your trendy patterned facemasks and baggy linen pants, but in reality, you're just trying to relive the 80's with your bandana fashion and hammer pants. Nobody looks good in you. Nobody.

And let's talk about your middle-aged friends, while we're at it. We're tired of Karen, talking down to us like we are some kind of stupid, not understanding how math works and what "per capita" means and pretending like she is too fancy to dye her own hair. And then Kyle? Kyle has gotta go. And he can take his camo pants and his stupid guns and and his MAGA hats and his stupid-ass protests with him. We are trying really hard to put up with your moodiness, Quarantine, but we are hella sick of your friends.

And finally, love, we're gonna have to talk about your drinking problem. Your liver is not going to last forever, Quarantine. You're really going to have to lighten up, or at least have a glass of water once in awhile. Day drinking was all fun and games when you were in your 20's, but now, at day 50, you aren't looking so hot. You're kinda doughy and splotchy and I think you maybe need to eat an apple.

I mean all of this in the nicest possible way. Like constructive criticism. Because you've got some good things going for you, girl, like the curve-flattening and the life-saving. You still have potential to change the world --in a good way. But you are going to have to take a long hard look at yourself and make some changes, and soon. Because if you keep going like this until you are 80 or 100, we might just go insane.