The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 70

It's a Holiday Weekend! Let's Party!

It's Memorial Day weekend, y'all! A weekend to celebrate going up North and to commemorate all of the sacrifices our boats have made for us. A weekend where we remember what's really important in our great nation: hot dogs and beer and our cottages in tiny towns in Northern Michigan without hospitals.

No one's really at risk up there, because the virus isn't really up there very much. So we will definitely be safe to go to the gas station and the boat launch and the local dive bar and the party store. We won't be exposed at all. In fact, it's safer up there than it is down here.

We have been cooped up for so long without access to massive garden centers and aisles of paint that we have earned a ride on our Sea-Doo. It's the only way to save our mental health. And it is unhealthy --dangerous even-- to go for too long without draft beer. Just in the last 70 days, we have sacrificed so much --our very way of life-- that we absolutely must gather with large crowds in public spaces before we go insane. And the beaches are open!

Just don't head to Midland or Sanford. I've heard it's pretty messy around there. I mean, there isn't even a lake anymore. What fun is that? That beach sucks.

Thankfully, even though the death toll from Coronavirus is rising nationwide, Northern Michigan is doing just fine. There are a few counties in the UP that don't have any cases at all! But that's way too far to drive. We'll stay under the bridge. There are several counties where no one has died yet. Thank goodness our cottage is in one of those counties. Nothing to worry about! We'll be perfectly safe!

Happy Memorial Day weekend, y'all. Drive safe, and don't forget the sunscreen. Also, don't forget to take your mask off. Those masks leave some ugly tan lines.