The Coronacation Diaries, Episode 76

The Road Trip Edition #2: There Are Some Crazy-Ass Billboards Down Here, Y'all

As we drove through Georgia and into Florida, we couldn't help but notice that the billboard business is alive and well. It definitely kept our spirits up and the conversations going.

First, this doozy in Georgia reared its ugly head. Clearly, this billboard sponsor missed the parts of the Bible that explain that Jesus was so progressive that he would have been too radical for even the Democrats. And I'm not sure why the Democrats get a pitchfork (thought their symbol was a donkey?) but, based on that iconography...are democrats actually the devil? Or just hangin' with him? I have so many questions.

We definitely appreciated all of the billboards about a fetus' developmental stages, which only proves why education, birth control, and medication abortion are critical and necessary components of health care. We also appreciated this public service announcement in Northern Florida, as it gave us a chance to talk with the kids (homeschool goes on the road!) about the actual science of fertilization, implantation, and medication abortion and how it all works. And no, kids. You can't shove that period back up in there, no matter what a billboard tells you. 

You can, however, go shoot some very big machine guns in very little short shorts for a very reasonable price. I mean, in her defense, it IS hot down here.

But the billboards that got us so good that I almost had to pull over so as not to crash the car in hysterical laughter were the series from www.i-will-be-back.org, a group that is very...graphically talented. When I saw the first in the series, I yelled out, "Hey, look! Jesus bought a billboard!"

But Jesus didn't just buy a billboard. He also did some...war stuff? 

And then, you guys, Jesus got weird. Because these are definitely zombies. And although we joke about "Zombie Jesus" on Easter ('cause he rose from the dead), we had not ever envisioned that Jesus was converting the zombies, and making the undead...more undead.

Jesus not only bought himself a whole bunch of billboards, but he also promised to make the undead very clean, and very happy, and very white, with very shiny teeth.

And so, in summary: Jesus, abortion, guns, Jesus. Also, peaches, pecans, and plantations. Kinda makes pasties and mystery spots and seashell city (nowhere near a sea) feel like they're a million miles away.